ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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