Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
