Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
