I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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