Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He better not be in your backpack
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
