How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
