Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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