after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
