genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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