this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
