I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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