she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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