i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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