The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
