Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
