U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
