what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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