The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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