The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
