Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
