Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
