I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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