Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
