I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
