dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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