When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
