Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
