Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
