The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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