she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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