I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
