either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There's always time for handjobs
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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