When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
