Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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