Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
