So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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