I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do vagina's smell?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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