Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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