I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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