Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
do nipples grow back?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
