Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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