I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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