Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
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