I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
