no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
