Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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