What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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