he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
