So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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