it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
