Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
