I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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