I just saw a hot homeless man
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
