I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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